When you have a silly putty spine, gentle movement is usually a safe bet. For 20 years, yoga and walks were my go-to forms of exercise. Inexpensive and accessible, both have helped tone my core and soothe my nerves. Even in the midst of flare-ups, I could usually do a few sun salutations or take a stroll in the neighborhood. Though I was active, my back and neck remained precarious.
A year ago, I unknowingly made a life-changing leap. My back doctor and physical therapist felt I was ready to “graduate” from physical therapy and begin medically supervised exercise. I had undergone about two dozen injections—prolotherapy and PRP (platelet-rich-plasma)—which had strengthened my ligaments. My spine was no longer mushy, and my body no longer felt jangly. I was ready to leverage the healing and build strength.
So, I joined James’ class for patients with a history of back injury. Having already done physical therapy with him, I felt comfortable in the group setting. I was the youngest in the class by a few decades, but I struggled to keep up with my classmates for the first few weeks. I thought James was crazy to expect that I could do a deadlift with a 35-pound kettlebell. When he placed a 45-pound dumbbell on my pelvis for a weighted bridge, I was sure it would shatter me. He challenged me in ways I could never challenge myself, and he could always gauge my capabilities without crushing my spirit (or my pelvis!). Each week, I left group exercise a shaky mess, but I was gaining strength and perfecting my form little by little.
I now work one-on-one with James. I lift 50-pound kettlebells. My weighted bridges sometimes accommodate 80 pounds. James is prepping me to lift barbells. I am stronger, leaner, and more steady in my movement. I still leave every session a shaky mess—a sure sign that I’ve had a fabulous workout!
Along the way, James has been a mentor, a teacher, and a friend. He is demanding yet compassionate, and he is unfailingly kind to me. He has taught me that lifting heavy weights helps us to feel safe in our bodies. It allows us to move through life with elegance and grace. But it’s not easy because we must keep challenging ourselves!
I am gratified by James’ correlation between strength and safety. When women say they want to be “strong,” it is often coded language for wanting to be thin. This mindset troubles me because I sometimes find myself slipping into this unhealthy rhetoric. My young nieces look up to me, and so do my students. As they find their way, it is my responsibility to model confidence, self-assurance, and grace of movement. I can do this by demonstrating that I am finally safe in my body.
Inspirations
The Nourishing Power of Gentleness